thoughts on dating

as a byu student obviously dating is a subject that is thought about, talked about, and dreamed about on the daily.  we can't help it! i mean what are we supposed to do when there are so many attractive, and worthy options available to try out.  it's like baskin robins on crack!

a few months ago i helped out with the mueller park stake youth conference by participating on a dating panel.  i have to say i was really intimidated! while i have had some experience in dating, i feel that it is still limited.  i wouldn't ever say i am one of those girls who has a date every weekend and has to turn guys down because my schedule is just too packed.  to be quite honest i have not had a serious boy friend since i have moved to college.  me and michael did date on and off since i graduated from high school, but i haven't met anybody here that i felt like would be boy friend material.  that doesn't mean that the majority of guys i have gone on dates with haven't been phenomenal guys, it just means that there just wasn't that spark!

apparently i'm just really picky.

but have learned a thing or two in the relationships that i have been in, AND through all the dates that i have been here at BYU.

1. the standards in the for strength of youth are there for a reason.  this might sound really molly mormon of me, but take it from a girl who has learned through the school of hard knocks.  in high school i always had a boy friend.  some of them were perfect... aka michael... some of them were not. i would NEVER ever recommend that any body who is still in high school should have a steady boy friend.  it leads to too much heart ache.  it leads to you becoming too comfortable with each other too soon.   which leads me to my next lesson.

2. don't rationalize.  if you know what you are doing looks like something, than it probably is.  i don't want to be all preachy by any means. heaven knows i have made ever single one of these mistakes and this is what i have learned from them.  if it looks like you are passionate kissing, but you know that the for strength of youth says that you aren't supposed to do that... so you rationalize saying "but i'm a righteous person".... you are still passionate kissing.  call it what you want it is what it is.  if you and some boy are spending a lot of time together but neither of you want to be in a serious relationship because you know that you are supposed to be dating other people and getting to know lots of people.... but you still only kiss and cuddle with each other for heavens sake!! YOU ARE DATING! he is your boy friend.  (the caps is a frustration at myself, it is not directed at anyone in particular just fyi). rationalizing is the first step to making bigger decisions.  it is how satan can get us to truly mess up because we rationalize the little things until before we know it we have rationalized the big mistakes.

3. if you can't tell your family about the person you're dating, or what you are doing with that person.... DON'T DO IT!  in fact i have learned that don't even try to keep secrets.  tell your family everything about your relationship, let them know who you are out with.  tell them about the butterflies you got when he held your hand.  call your mom and tell her about the crappy date you went on the night before when the guy spent the whole night telling you about how much he hated the cheerleaders in high school and how now he takes pride in taking them out on dates and breaking their hearts just to get even.  if you can be honest to your family about your relationship then you can be sure that it is on the right track.

4. keep communication in your relationship IN your relationship.  you do not need a middle man in a relationship, in fact often times it is FATAL to the relationship.  if you are worried about something your boyfriend said or did don't go ask his best friend about it... GO ASK HIM! this is not rocket science people.  if you can't talk to each other, then you shouldn't be in a relationship.  while it is wonderful for your friends to become friends with your boyfriend it is not appropriate for your best friend and your boy friend to talk about your relationship more than you and your significant other.  don't tell your friends about problems you are having.  while it may be tempting to vent to your bff about how your boy friend never texts you back and is always hanging out with that girl from calculus. don't. spend that time you would talk to her about it, and talk to HIM about it.

5. while group dates are fun, it's the single dates that make a relationship grow.  this advice is for people who are out of high school, since single dating really encourages steady relationships if you are in high school group dating is where it is at. for kids out of high school i have realized that group dating really should be left for when you are in a more stable committed relationship.  if you ask a girl out, take her out to get to know her.  in a group that is difficult because you will become distracted by everybody else and the other conversations going on.  it really turn into a hang out.  take her out, talk to her, learn about her, and decide if you want to pursue a relationship.  play the age old question game for heaven's sake! once you have built that relationship, introduce her to your friends, do things with other people! have fun! but always remember to make time for some one on one growing time.

6. don't be boring.  while every body loves to cuddle, and who doesn't like a good romantic comedy, am i right?! spending every night sitting on the couch spooning and watching a movie is not going to facilitate a relationship that is rounded and healthy.  get up! use your imagination, see how many fun things you can do for under $5.  get to know other people, go do service, go work out, DO SOMETHING! not only does sitting around get boring, but it can also lead to that age old problem of too much kissing and not enough talking.  i can't believe i just typed that.... any way i really do mean it! kissing isn't bad, but it's really powerful! especially when it's somebody that you really really really really like.  just play it safe!

7. don't be jealous! this is something that michael taught me.  it's a pretty controversial idea as well. everyone wants to know that they are valued.  girls especially want to know that if they started dating somebody else you would miss them. however, getting all bent out of shape because she is talking to her male professor is ridiculous. at the same time girls..... have the confidence to know that you are number 1! there is nothing more attractive than a girl who is secure.  know that if he is talking to that girl, she is just a friend. if he didn't want to be with you... then he wouldn't. DUH!  michael used to always say that jealousy was just a lack of trust.

8. be independent & avoid PDA.  there is nothing more annoying than being that girl friend who is only happy when she is "in her boyfriend's arms" (you start annoying yourself trust me... but not before you annoy every person who has ever met you first).  while showing affection is very important in a relationship it's even more important to be tactful about it.  it goes back to keeping the relationship inside the relationship. hang out with your own friends.  do some things separately (while i don't know how healthy this is for marriage seeing as i am... single... this works wonders when dating) you really come to value and appreciate the time that you do get to spend together.

9.  be conscious of the other person.  if you know that the person you are dating is taking the act and their favorite candy bar happens to be a kit-kat bar... leave it on their car for them.  if your girl friend looses the lacrosse semi finals and her favorite drink is diet coke meet her in her drive way when she gets home with 2 2 liters.  if your boy friend has a headache try rubbing his neck, or giving him a hand massage,  (a lot of tension is stored in those two places and really helps with tension headaches).  and if you have watched 5 chick-filcks try compromising and watch a comedy instead.  if your girl friend randomly starts crying for no reason at all while doing homework, simply go get her a box of tissues and hold her hand.  don't try to fix it, because unless it's something you've done... which it's probably not since she's sitting there doing homework with you rather than her girl friends... you can't fix it.

this is my last one

10. never take for granted the time that you have together.  every second is precious! even if it's just a few minutes where you get to talk before work, or passing in the hallway.  make it count.  don't waste it by being angry.  don't waste it by fighting, or trying to get your way.  make it fun! from every relationship you are in you learn something, so even if you do break up... no second is wasted, because it is a second where you are improving yourself.

these are just a few of my thoughts. they are based off of the for strength of youth standards by the LDS church. and yes because i am a girl they are based off of the girls perspective.  i would never judge somebody else's relationship, nor do i consider myself a dating expert (like i said before) but these are just a few of my insights that i have learned in the few years that i have been dating.