second guessing

last year when i was preparing to go to retreat for girls i could not have felt more unqualified.  i considered not going i was in such a bad place.  i remember micahel and i went for a drive and i just sat in his car crying, i had no idea who i was or what i wanted.  i felt like i couldn't find the spirit to comfort me and i definatley couldn't bring the spirit to help others.  as i told michael about all of this he simply sat there looking at me...he didn't make any jokes or tease me for once and he simply said if you trust the lord he will help you get to the place where you are supposed to be.  michael convinced me that night that i couldn't give up retreat because maybe i needed retreat more right then than retreat needed me. i didn't feel completely confident but i was hopeful that everything would work out if i did the little things.

typical.

once i got to retreat all of my doubts and fears came rushing back.  i wasn't good enough.  these girls were amazing and so fun and so cute and i just couldn't connect with them.  i began second guessing all of those feelings i had when i was talking to michael.  i was so frustrated.  i was so lost and afraid and alone. everything that i thought was concreate in my life i questioned, and second guessed, and analyzed, and it was scary and frustrating.

my adorable girls

looking back on that experiance i have seen the blessing from that retreat for girls.  i've come a long way, and those questions, that struggle it's made my beliefs, relationships, and confidence stronger.  i know better now who i am than ever before.  that doesn't mean i don't have struggles or days or even entire weeks where i feel lost or confused, but it does mean i know that i'll get through it.

all of us question and second guess the decisions we have made.  and sometimes it's easy to wonder if anybody really cares about what we do.  let me tell you from experiance.... had i not gone to that retreat last summer i don't know where i would be now... that decision to stick with it and to push forward through the doubts changed my life.  i don't know if that decision helped anybody last summer, but i do know that every day i have the chance to serve others and that is what i'm striving to do.  each day one step at a time.