words last.

so the past couple of days i have been shown how lasting words truly are.  i've been spending a lot of time with soccerbry and gigi (imagine that since she's my room mate) and soccerbry mentioned something along the lines that he thought during winter semester that i hated him.  then gigi mentioned how someone had said that I had said that I wanted her and soccerbry to break up.... which i truly never remember saying... BUT that is the point! WHAT IF I HAD?? what if at some flippant moment i had off handily said that i wanted two people who are madly in love with each other to break up.  those words, whether i had said them or not, left a lasting impression. i never hated soccerbry during winter semester, instead i was trying desperately to get my GPA up and to pull an A in some really important classes.  my lack of kind words, or friendliness left my friends with an impression that i thought i was too good for them.   

lately i have been haunted by a memory from when i was a senior in high school (i think... i don't think i was in college yet).  me and michael were hanging out (whoda thunk?!) when my mom asked me to drive my sisters and some of their friends down to the rec center. my sisters are young and so naturally their friends are slightly annoying (as are my sisters sometimes) and for some reason i was in a particular mood that day. 

 her friends were driving me CRAZY.  when we got down to the rec center and they were out of the car, i turned to michael and said something about one of my sisters little friends that I WILL NEVER say again.  it was something that goes against everything i believe, and everything i strive to teach and be. oh my gosh i just shudder thinking about what i said. 

to some people what i said wouldn't be that big of a deal...  in fact people said it to me when i was in elementary school.... and oh how it has left an impression on me... i am SO grateful that the little girl i said that about was not there to witness my indiscretion, but michael was there. michael the person who always pushed me to be better, and who i wanted to have a good opinion of me forever, was the person that witnessed me being so cruel!

michael turned to me and said "kalli that was so mean!" and i didn't say or do anything, i just brushed him off, and went on with our afternoon.  lucky for me michael didn't seem to think it was grounds for breaking up with me (even though it really should have been).  that little girl doesn't know what i said about her, and i don't even know if michael remembers this experience, but what if it was his only impression of me.  he would have forever thought me an intensive, judgemental, mean, shallow girl.... which i really hope that i'm not.....

that was a small experience.  but the words that i said... they are lasting... and they are haunting. 

when i was a little girl in primary my mom made me memorize a poem

what a little thing a tongue is but what damage it can do

by spreading little secrets and things that are untrue.

for words when once they are spoken, especially when unkind;

are never quite forgotten, they linger in the mind.

so always keep your tongue on guard, and watch the words you choose

and there shall never cross your lips the kind you shouldn't use.

when you are little the things that you memorize don't always connect in your brain.  such as the words to i am a child of god, or a poem about watching what you say.  sometimes it is not until you are older when the words from deep in your subconscious ring out and the meaning of those words that you memorized so many years before finally have a meaning. 

words easily slip out.  i am easily the most sassy out of all of my sisters.  i know that i have said things to the people that i care most about, before i was able to keep my tongue on guard.  and i am so embarrassed.  so it's time for a change.  it's time to bridal my words, which will ultimately lead to me bridling my thoughts AND my actions.  it's time to use those lasting words for something good. 

happy tuesday everybody!!

xoxo kal

me and my sisters at temple square this last christmas <3